The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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