Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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