just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
