I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
