so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
