exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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