Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Enjoy the penises
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
