I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
