We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
