It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
