i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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