Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
