My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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