I could make wine with my vomit
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
