I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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