I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
