You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
