Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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