I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
