these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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