If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Less talking, more tequila
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
