I want to stick my p in your. b.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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