I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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