Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
where are you?
Hypothermia
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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