I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
