dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
