well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
