so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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