Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Damn victory sex feels great
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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