I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
