my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
