did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
