Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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