come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
