i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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