dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
