I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
