You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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