I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i think im in europe. pls send help
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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