Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
