I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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