Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
