never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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