You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
