You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
