the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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