i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
