Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
