so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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