He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
