I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
