Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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