too bad you live with your parents still
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
