so that wasnt chicken after all
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
