I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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