After last night, I could never be a politician.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize