I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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