I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize