Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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