Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
a search helicopter?!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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