Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Randomize
