dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
