It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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