I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
