Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
