A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
