ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
