Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
