It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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