I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
