i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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